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tired My husband has recently started attracting the attention of a number of women. This is a Good Thing by most poly standards. I mean, I've had my share of men over the past year that we've been at this, and so far he hasn't had much luck.
The trouble is that I am freaking out about it all, which makes me irritated at myself.
It seems that I can talk myself into being ok with everything, you know, thinking rationally and all. But as soon as there is real potential for him to get together with someone, I feel like I want to die inside. I get all crazy with jealousy (not really crazy, I just sort of feel that way what with all the icky feelings and then giving myself hell for being such a silly thing). This makes my husbands life very difficult because he's never sure what is going to upset me, and I hate that I make him feel like he's walking on eggshells.
We've talked about it LOADS, and I mean really talked, and really often. I don't seem to have an issue with women that I like, who I know and who I feel respect me, my marriage, and my place in this whole poly thing. Once I talk to them a little I seem to warm up a bit, perhaps it makes them less threatening because after all, they are just people too.
In some ways it seems awfully unreasonable to me to ask my husband to only date women that I like and get along with. Plus there are women who just want to have a mutually agreeable friends with benefits situation with him, and is it really necessary for me to get to know them? My feelings say yes, but my brain says "stop being so damned ridiculous".
I do trust Jack (husband) and I don't think I am really worried about him leaving me. I think I just feel more confident if I know the other person isn't out to start up drama or try to steal my man or whatever. It seems to be a comfort thing for me. I think it also settles any insecurities I might have about the other person being 'better' than me, which is silly, but I am sure most people can relate to their imagination being far more threatening than reality.
So, thoughts please? Is it unfair to want to know a person before my husband gets involved with her? And I don't mean like "Best Friends" know her, in fact a few conversations over the internet seems to be all I need for the most part. Having a coffee in real life would be optimal. I often find that once I like a girl I am FAR more encouraging of the relationship, which Jack likes because I have all the best ideas on sweet things he can do to spoil said girl. If it ever got serious I am sure that I would have to like her or get along with her in order for things to go smoothly. Does that seem unreasonable?
Also what about this woman who really just wants sex, no strings attached? You'd think I'd be the least upset about that, but it seems to bother me the most. Maybe because of my own ideas about sex in relationships. It's not fair to impose those ideas on Jack though. Is it ok for me to ask him not to have that sort of arrangement?
We've talked about it LOADS, and I mean really talked, and really often. I don't seem to have an issue with women that I like, who I know and who I feel respect me, my marriage, and my place in this whole poly thing. Once I talk to them a little I seem to warm up a bit, perhaps it makes them less threatening because after all, they are just people too.
In some ways it seems awfully unreasonable to me to ask my husband to only date women that I like and get along with. Plus there are women who just want to have a mutually agreeable friends with benefits situation with him, and is it really necessary for me to get to know them? My feelings say yes, but my brain says "stop being so damned ridiculous".
I do trust Jack (husband) and I don't think I am really worried about him leaving me. I think I just feel more confident if I know the other person isn't out to start up drama or try to steal my man or whatever. It seems to be a comfort thing for me. I think it also settles any insecurities I might have about the other person being 'better' than me, which is silly, but I am sure most people can relate to their imagination being far more threatening than reality.
So, thoughts please? Is it unfair to want to know a person before my husband gets involved with her? And I don't mean like "Best Friends" know her, in fact a few conversations over the internet seems to be all I need for the most part. Having a coffee in real life would be optimal. I often find that once I like a girl I am FAR more encouraging of the relationship, which Jack likes because I have all the best ideas on sweet things he can do to spoil said girl. If it ever got serious I am sure that I would have to like her or get along with her in order for things to go smoothly. Does that seem unreasonable?
Also what about this woman who really just wants sex, no strings attached? You'd think I'd be the least upset about that, but it seems to bother me the most. Maybe because of my own ideas about sex in relationships. It's not fair to impose those ideas on Jack though. Is it ok for me to ask him not to have that sort of arrangement?
I really really wanna be ok with all of this. I hate how it makes me feel and how much back and forth it causes. Jack is SOOOOOOO patient, he never gets frustrated or upset with me. He is totally accommodating to my feelings, which makes me the luckiest girl ever. I've read all the books (still reading more as well), I know all the steps for jealousy and whatnot, but I can't seem to make it click in my head.
Hopefully some of you have some insight. I could certainly use it. Thanks in advance!
SG
http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com
January 22 2007, 10:11:42 UTC 5 years ago
'Fair' and 'unfair' only really apply within the framework of the relationship you share, so I can't really assess the 'fairness' of your desire. In our relationship, though, my wife and I could never really fully commit to another person without getting each other's opinion of that person. We trust each other's opinions implicitly, and getting the 'ok' from each other is a reassuring sign that the person we're seeing meets a high standard. We've steered each other clear of some dire trainwrecks in this manner, and also prompted each other into worthwhile relationships that might not have otherwise happened. Maybe this is an approach that will allow you to reconcile your desire to know with your desire to 'free' your husband?
what about this woman who really just wants sex, no strings attached?
Having found myself in exactly this position, and thinking it a wonderful opportunity, I took the final step of having my wife spend some time with her before anything happened, and her rather brutal assessment of the woman's motives opened my eyes to what was actually going on. I'm not saying this is always the case, but it's another strong example of why we always get a reading from each other before fully committing to a third. If you're confident of her honesty in this regard, it'll be that much easier to trust her and your husband with her, and should have the bonus of giving your husband some additional support as well. Well, it's what we'd do, so might not work for you. But it's certainly one way of going about it.
January 22 2007, 19:04:50 UTC 5 years ago
Thanks for this comment :) It makes me feel less like an irrational basket case
5 years ago
January 22 2007, 10:14:46 UTC 5 years ago
January 22 2007, 19:20:12 UTC 5 years ago
January 22 2007, 10:19:35 UTC 5 years ago
Even the FWB people you should at least get the chance to meet. You're probably not going to get on with all of them, and some you will like better than others, but the whole point of polyamory is that one knows who one's partner is sleeping with, and that involves more than simply knowing their name.
January 22 2007, 10:45:00 UTC 5 years ago
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January 22 2007, 10:59:10 UTC 5 years ago
I think it's completely reasonable to meet and get to know a little, people who are planning on becoming intimate (in whatever mode) with your life partner. Otherwise, isn't it just DADT?
January 22 2007, 19:02:19 UTC 5 years ago
For one thing, one of my OSO's got tangled up with a girl who refused to talk to me. Turned out she couldn't handle the whole poly thing and the relationship ended almost as soon as it started. So I know first hand what can happen.
DADT is not what we want at all, so that makes sense :)
January 22 2007, 11:28:15 UTC 5 years ago
January 22 2007, 11:35:52 UTC 5 years ago
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January 22 2007, 11:53:09 UTC 5 years ago
As for the FWB gal who only wants NSA sex, perhaps your fears there are that she is not actually going to stay NSA, and if you fear that she is not aware of her underlying motives, or if you have seen an NSA r'ship turn into a high drama r'ship then take the same steps with her as with any other gal- have a few chats, and assume, for your own peace of mind, that it's not going stay NSA- head off the fear at the pass ?
FWIW, YMMV, etc
January 22 2007, 13:44:54 UTC 5 years ago
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January 22 2007, 12:06:15 UTC 5 years ago
I think part of it is just a matter of habituation. The more one gets used to something, the easier it can be to deal with. Apparently, that's how my husband dealt with *his* jealousy issues when I started dating. I don't like the idea that I need to be repeatedly hurt before the hurt stops hurting, but there you are. It took time for him to see that I wasn't going anywhere and that he would be my partner no matter what. I also spend a lot of time reassuring him in a zillion ways about how important he is to me. It really didn't help matters that he didn't know to do this for me when he started dating. I had to teach him what I needed to feel reassured and safe.
Perhaps that might be helpful to you too. If you haven't read The Five Love Languages then go get the book asap. It might really help you figure out what/how you need for reassurance.
January 22 2007, 18:59:27 UTC 5 years ago
I've also heard awesome things about that book and I intend to get it as soon as I can :)
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January 22 2007, 16:12:12 UTC 5 years ago
I had a situation whereby I had a SO and my partner was ok with it, but when she got a SO, I also struggled a bit with the whole jealousy thing. I knew how to deal with it in theory and in theory it was all ok, but it just didn't feel ok.
I came across this piece of writing on the internet ( I think that I had done a search on "poly jealousy" )and I printed it out and read it a few times ( I found it a bit dense to understand at first reading) and it helped it all "click" in my mind.
http://www.planetwaves.net/jealousy.htm
I also found this site to be of help.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
Best of luck, I am sure you will work through it x
January 22 2007, 19:14:13 UTC 5 years ago
January 22 2007, 16:52:46 UTC 5 years ago
January 23 2007, 00:26:36 UTC 5 years ago
January 22 2007, 22:40:44 UTC 5 years ago
As we all know, poly relationships thrive when partners negotiate rules/boundaries/whateveryoucallthem to fall within their respective comfort limits. I personally don't think there is such a thing as unfair comfort limits...just different ones. Your needs are simply what they are. IMHO, it's just a matter of finding partners whose comfort limits are compatible with yours.
My sense is that you're trying to force your thoughts and emotions to conform to how you think they SHOULD be, but that's really unfair to YOU. Instead, focus on what limits your husband and you can live with, and know that THAT is what matters.
Good luck :)
January 23 2007, 00:32:08 UTC 5 years ago
That's kinda silly though because I don't force myself into that when it comes to other situations. Like Jack loves potatos, and I hate them, but I don't go forcing myself to eat them just because he wants to have them. I just make them for him and cook rice for myself.
Yes, that is a huge over-simplification, but sometimes the most complex of things looks much clearer when you break it down.
January 22 2007, 23:45:39 UTC 5 years ago
From what I have seen, people who personally have strong tendancies for sex and emotion to be connected have more problems with accepting their SO's doing NSA. Most I can figure is that while it may make sense to them on a very surface rational level, there is no real understanding that things work that way. And if someone feels at a gut level that a type of relationship isn't possible, then it will be hard to accept at that same gut level that any claims of NSA are honest. Even if the brain tells you that you can trust they are. And not being able to feel the honesty on a deep level is very upsetting - perhaps moreso when they know it IS there on their partners part, if that makes any sense.
Then there is the fact as many mentioned a bunch of people who claim to be looking for NSA are either being manipulative or self-deluded.
As for what is fair in a relationship - that can only be best defined as the compromise that works best for all parties involved. Not having a double standard doesn't always involve each partner following the same exact "rules." Perhaps you are more comfortable meeting people first whereas your husband doesn't need that, but maybe he needs something for comfort that you don't require.
January 22 2007, 23:51:39 UTC 5 years ago
Also, I don't know what you and your husband have agreed on, but there's nothing inherently wrong with ruling out casual sex, if doing so will make you a lot calmer/more comfortable. The question is how he feels about it; that he'd be willing to have that sort of relationship with someone doesn't mean it's something he'll find important.
January 23 2007, 03:58:05 UTC 5 years ago
There are a lot of people that are perfectly happy with poly when they get to date around, yet have huge jealousy issues when it comes to their partner dating. If that is the case, then yes, you need to suck it up and deal with it. You have talked and talked, its time to take the plunge and let it happen.
As a secondary type person in most of my relationships, I date people. I rarely date couples, because there are always going to be differing levels of commi
January 23 2007, 04:00:25 UTC 5 years ago
I rarely date couples, because there are always going to be differing levels of commitment. And, I would rather the decision to date me be based on someones level of interest, rather than their partners level of interest.
January 24 2007, 03:40:45 UTC 5 years ago
I'm in a similar position and what I try to remind myself is that however I feel is valid. It might not be rational or logical, but it's valid. I agree that it's not too much to ask to be able to meet the women that your husband is dating. Up until my current primary relationship, I always met the other people in my loved one's lives.
If this is a relatively new path for you, it's natural that you might have some trepidation. If you find that meeting the women he becomes involved with makes you more comfortable, why not negotiate that as part of a "must do" in your relationship. If you do that though, you would need to extend the same opportunity to your husband if he should so desire.
There is the distant possibility that you're not poly. Everyone has the ability to be attracted to multiple people but the truest measure of polyamory is how ne feels about their loved one connecting with other people on a emotional, as well as sexual, level.