lovinnlost ([info]lovinnlost) wrote in [info]polyamory,
2008-10-28 16:44:00

New

In desperate need of likeminded people!!! I had heard a few people around campus talking about LJ so finally asked what it was. I'm needing a new place to speak my mind so I though that I would try here. I have been going thru alot of changes in my life. Since the birth of my last daughter I have been tryng a sort of re-invention of myself. I am married with 3 little girls, and I love my family. But lately, I've been finding myself more and more attracked to women. Random women. Girls on campus...professors...ladies at the grocery store. LoL. You see? It's been a bit chaotic the last couple of months. Changing majors and going back to school hasn't been easy, but I think it was necessary.

I've seen a few women here and there, and my husband is very receptive to the idea of me wanting a female partner. Is this common? I mean, because I don't want to share. Thoughts? Anyways, this is me, I'm Summer, and I'm looking for people that wouldn't mind me asking the occasional question or looking like a complete dork. Would love to find some friends to talk to on here. Someone that understands would be nice.

X-Posted for maximum response. LoL. Sorry!

Hopefully my cut works.



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  • 14 comments

[info]wight1984

October 28 2008, 21:39:39 UTC 3 years ago

"my husband is very receptive to the idea of me wanting a female partner. Is this common?"

Short answer is 'very'

[info]lovinnlost

October 28 2008, 21:50:52 UTC 3 years ago

Ahaha, I guess I meant the not wanting to share part being common. Not so much a man having the idea of a threesome.

[info]gessatrude

October 28 2008, 21:54:11 UTC 3 years ago

Still fairly common. A lot of relationships (ok, so I probably shouldn't say a lot, because I have no solid figures, but you'll get the idea) tend to be V's and W's... 2 people dating the same person (in this case you, your hubby, and your possible girlfriend)... also W's or chains. Your husband being one end, dating you, who is dating another girl, who is dating someone else, and on down the line.

Its more common that way I think than actual 3 way triangles or true quads where all 4 partners are involved equally with one another.

[info]wight1984

October 28 2008, 22:26:31 UTC 3 years ago

Even in that respect it's not at all unusual for men to be more comfortable and at ease with their partner having female lovers than male lovers. This may well be the case even if they aren't under the impression that they'd not get to join in.

[info]maestrodog

October 28 2008, 22:28:56 UTC 3 years ago

I'd say it's pretty common; for some weird reason men have the idea that a female partner doesn't pose as much of a threat to their relationship as another man would. Not sure why, but I've seen it.

[info]mantispid

October 28 2008, 23:00:12 UTC 3 years ago

I'd say it has to do with instinct. A woman can't make another woman pregnant.

[info]nadjarachel

October 28 2008, 23:02:26 UTC 3 years ago

That actually makes a lot of sense, and I hadn't thought of/heard that one in the puzzlings to that question yet. Thanks for that. *thoughtful*

[info]tisiphone

October 28 2008, 23:46:38 UTC 3 years ago Edited:  October 28 2008, 23:47:09 UTC

Enh, I have the same thing with my partners and men - but it's not to do with the possibility of pregnancy. It's because I figure if someone wants to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it's because there are things that I physically cannot give them. Our relationships won't share the same problem space, if you see what I mean. (Which isn't to say I mind them having relationships with other women, but I do feel a little bit more crowded by it.)

[info]wight1984

October 29 2008, 08:28:32 UTC 3 years ago

I've seen the same pattern in women to a lesser extent. A same-sex partner is often regarded as less of a threat than an opposite-sex partner. I've known couples who have both agreed 'same-sex partners only'

Further, if we're looking for reasons why men find women less threatening and take tier relationships less seriously then I don't think we need to look to biology to figure that one out... there's a heck of a lot of that just in western culture alone.

Deleted comment

[info]tacky_tramp

October 29 2008, 01:30:46 UTC 3 years ago

And that right there is why I hate that cursed Katy Perry song with all of my queer little heart. >:( "You're my experimental game ... hope my boyfriend don't mind it ..." Grrrr.

[info]mactavish

October 29 2008, 06:06:55 UTC 3 years ago

I can't imagine getting involved with either a man or a woman I found threatening to my primary relationship.

[info]tacky_tramp

October 29 2008, 01:32:51 UTC 3 years ago

Some couples do agree that one partner may take other lovers and one cannot. If the one who agrees to stay exclusive is genuinely satisfied with that arrangement, you can probably make it work. I wouldn't be able to take the double standard personally, but it takes all kinds. :) Welcome and good luck.

[info]victorianrose23

October 30 2008, 07:51:51 UTC 3 years ago

I got the feeling that what she meant by not wanting to share was not wanting to share a girlfriend with her husband - not making the statement that *he* couldn't have other partners if he desired. Of course, I could be mistaken by her intent.

[info]polycoach

October 30 2008, 15:54:21 UTC 3 years ago

Seems like you know what you want - Excellent!

Welcome, and as you see, plenty of people to talk to about this lifestyle.

Common? Yes. And normal and healthy.

And by the way, it's normal when you're first getting open to the idea of dating women that you have the "kid in a candy store" reaction to all the wonderful women in the world. Relax and enjoy it. Eventually it may calm down, or you may just get more used to appreciating women in this way. Either way it probably won't feel so strange in a little while.

Don't want to share. As others have wondered, do you mean you don't want to share the women with your husband? Or do you mean you don't want to share your husband with others, as in have him also date other people? Either one is fine.

Here is an important point that many have learned before you. Forget what they taught you in kindergarten, you don't have to share! Things don't have to be equal, as long as everyone agrees with the arrangement. If it is ok with your husband you can make any kind of agreements with him that you want. If you're clear what you want, just ask for it.

Best wishes, and feel free to ask questions.
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